Saving myself

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We all wanted to be happy!

Yun nga lang sa isang daang tao, maswerte na na merong dalawa o tatlong naging masaya. At yung 97 na natira? nakikipag-sapalaran pa rin.

I can say na, I’m one of those 97 people remaining.

I’m the type of person na I give everything kahit wala ng matira sakin. Kahit alam kong iyon na yung last money ko, last thing na meron ako. I will still give it. To the point a bibilhin ko yung pinaka maayos at mahal na regalo para sa birthday o especial na araw ng mahal ko kahit pa pikit mata ang presyo. Ako yung, gagastos para lang makatipid sya. That’s how generous I am basta para sa mahal ko.

Hindi ako madamot, God knows and my friends too. Kung anung meron ako, kung anung akin sa kanya din. At kahit na harapan nya kong ginago, ok pa rin sakin kasi mahal ko. Pinatawad ko pa rin sya. Kahit halos mabaliw ako sa mga nangyari.

I’m also the type of person na sobrang maasikaso. Daig ko pa ang nanay mo sa pag aalaga sayo. Na halos paliguan na kita para lang ma sure na maayos ka. Ipagluluto, ipaglalaba, ipamamalantsa, ipagbabaon ng food sa work at kapag may lakad kayo ng friends mo, ako pa mag preprepare ng gamit mo at susuutin mo kahit na pinakilala mo ko sa kanila bilang pinsan mo at hindi bilang mahal mo.

Pero wala e, sabi nga nila, “people come and go” & “People change”.
So isa ka pala sa kanila, nag sawa ka na at lahat ng sacrifices na ginawa ko, nabalewala mo lang.
You’re physically here besides me, but emotionally away. Nag hihintay na lang ako ng confirmation sayo to say na you wanted this to end. . .
And honestly?, I’ll walk away and leave you, even though masakit kasi I want you to be happy just like anyone else, kasi gaya ko, deserve mo din.

I have lived my 27 years giving providing all to my family. Because I though that is life supposed to be. As an OFW, kinakalimutan namin yung para samin kasi we want our family in Pinas to be happy and to fulfill what they want. In my 6 years here in UAE, nothing happened, walang ipon kundi utang. Every remittance ko parang di sapat and always kulang. Yung point na akala mo is okay na, yung akala mo sapat na sa kanila, hindi pa pala.

This past few days, ang dami kong narealize. That in this world, even you do good to everyone, for them it’s not enough, they won’t appreciate it and the only things they will remember from you is your mistakes.

I’m alone and will always end up being alone again. I guess this how cruel the world is, you dreamt something big and yet you failed. You love someone who doesn’t love you back, and someone who loves you but you can’t love back. Ang komplikado no? I didn’t ask God for a perfect life. Pero I think, its not meant for me. So let it be.

I came to the point na , I questioned God, why?

Yesterday, I woke up & decided to take my life. Sabi ko, kung meron man pipigil sakin, it a sign na wag. Pero none of them, stopped me. Kaya na I still went through. Habang lumalangoy ako palayo, ay sya namang lakas ng alon at tinatangay ako pabalik sa lupa. I end up crying, kasi di ko na talaga kaya.

I still have the will to end it all. Hindi man ngayon, pero ramdam ko malapit na. I just need the right sign, the right time and the right place. Because this is the only way how to save myself.

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